I want to start by making it clear that this is not my normal mode of response to a disagreement in blog comments, I'm usually content to go away and come back when it is over but on this occasion the incident has been playing in my mind all day and I decided I needed to say something.
Last evening I witnessed from afar the complete breakdown of a talented and considerate writer's confidence as a result of some quite unpleasant and melodramatic comments on a recent blog post. Some of you will know who I am talking about but if not I don't want to name them while they try and get back on their feet - my point while triggered by them is valid without exposing them to any more unwelcome attention.
The post in question dealt with the consummation of an arranged marriage, the encounter was not forced but the girl in question, the narrator, did express her discomfort before and after the act - but only to the reader, never to the husband. While personally I felt that the issue was handled with grace, careful thought and an even handedness at the conflicted thoughts and vulnerability of both parties there were those whose instant reaction was to cry "rape".
This in itself was not the problem. While I didn't read it this way there was certainly evidence to support such an opinion, evidence which the author carefully and considerately discussed with those who posted this reaction in the comments. She explained that she had not intended it that way, that both parties felt a sense of duty and really were both victims of the situation, calmly putting her point across and never once trying to pass the incident off as okay.
What she tried to do was talk about the situation - first with her writing and then with her discussions.
The result? After a barrage of unpleasantness the author has removed the story and put all of her other works on hiatus while she tries to process what has happened.
Who is the real victim in this situation?
A fictional character in an unpleasant and unresolved situation, who may well have seen justice done had the story continued?
Or a real person who had the balls to talk about something which is still all too common in the world and was torn apart by people's unkind and thoughtless words?
When we write stories we don't just put words in an order, we put a little of ourselves into each character. We use the lives we create to see things more clearly, to decide how we feel about things and to talk about things that are perhaps too controversial to bring up over dinner. I can only imagine how awful it must be to have people hijack your character and use it to prove a point that was never one you were making. Using your own words to say something that you quite simply don't think by infusing them with their own interpretation and violence of opinion.
In the world of book publishing an author will have a wall of protection around them, agents and editors who can protect against the most extreme cases of this but online an author is frighteningly exposed. Web authors are often honing their craft, they are bound to make mistakes and spark debates and if they are unfortunate enough to attract attention from people with a point to prove there is nothing between them and the person making the accusation. Whatever you decide to say goes straight to the person who put that story out into the world.
Of course this freedom of expression is part of the beauty of the internet, opinions can be formed and changed, arguments had and agreements reached. The discussions it allows are the perfect forum for us to talk about things which concern us but only when used with thought and a reasonable mind, a level of trust, goodwill and respect between author and reader.
Authors shouldn't be posting any old crap, they shouldn't be condoning illegal behaviour and they shouldn't disregard the feelings of their readers.
But these readers have a responsibility too. React, but don't overreact, ask a question before you make an accusation. Try and consider where the writer and other commenters may be coming from, debate don't decimate. And listen. If you have an opinion and the author comes back with a response to your reaction then consider its merits, you dont have to agree but dont just keep saying the same thing over and over as if they never responded.
You as the reader have the right and the power to interpret but you don't have the right to put words in somebody's mouth, in this case the author's - that is actually in a sense forcing yourself upon them. Which brings me back to the issue at hand.
Is domestic rape terrible and frighteningly common? Yes. No question.
Is a story an appropriate place to examine the boundaries of consensual and non-consensual sex (or other controversial topic)? Again I say yes. For most of use we don't have a forum to start this kind of debate, we don't make or enforce the laws so the best thing we can possibly do is raise awareness and educate ourselves. Maybe one day we'll be in a position to do something more than talk and I sure as hell want to be ready
Did the author in question write a scene condoning domestic rape? Absolutely not.
She wrote a scene which presented a sexual relationship fraught with uncertainty and hidden feelings. You could judge it as non-consensual, in much the way that many arranged marriages in the days before sex education probably involved non-consensual sex (after all how can you consent to what you don't understand), but she never said it was acceptable. If anything the opposite was true, it was a moral quandary I'm sure would have been discussed thoughtfully and fairly as the story continued, the author's track record for handling controversial topics with dignity is (in my opinion) second to none in the Sims community.
But now she wont have that chance. Harsh and throwaway words have stalled that discussion, damaged her confidence and, if her update and apology are anything to go by, have caused some pretty serious personal issues.
In my eyes this is the real tragedy. Somebody who freely gave their time to entertain and inform the community has been taken out of the running by reactions thrown back at her in a few inconsiderate comments.
So I'm asking anyone reading this to take a moment before you press that comment button. I don't want you to bite your tongue, share your opinions, shout them from the rooftops, start a revolution - all of these things are exactly what a writer hopes their writing will inspire - but exercise the courtesy you would if the author was in the room with you.
Give them the benefit of the doubt, moderate your language and argue intelligently.
While saying, 'I can't really say I enjoyed this chapter, the sex scene made me super uncomfortable... it seemed borderline rape to me. I hope you will address this further' opens a dialogue, invites discussion AND makes your opinions clear; 'OMG that sick fucker I can't believe anyone would do that I hope he rots in hell forever its all he deserves ' only really succeeds making noise. It's not an opinion which canbe discussed or responded to and the only person who gets any satisfaction or value from it is the person posting it.
So take a moment.
Take ownership and authorship of your opinions and your comments. They are what you are the author of. They are of your creation.
Make sure you would stand behind them with pride if they were presented to you in real life.
Don't use them to destroy.
